The Pangs of Mourning

Starting on a story like this is always hard, you have to bring up and explain some painful things before talking about what is on your mind.

So, I will do my best.

Last year, a very close person in my life passed away from Cancer. He was diagnosed and passed away in the span of about 5 months. He is my friend, someone whom I consider family, and someone whom I deeply love. For me, he is one one of the closest “Chosen Family” I will ever have.

This past weekend was his 13th wedding anniversary to his Husband. I was (one of ) their best man. It was a small affair, 4 of us travelling to Canada and they got married at Niagara Falls. It was my first trip out of the US, and one I extremely enjoyed.

During the first year after you lose someone, you are confronted with a list of “firsts,” First Birthday, First Christmas, First New Years, First Anniversary since the death, and so on. Each one reminds you of the hole that is missing from your life. This morning, as I was choosing clothes to wear tomorrow for my second interview, I remembered how he helped me with my first professional interview in my career all those years ago. In those moments he feels so impossibly far away, but yet so intimately close and cogent.

It is these moments I miss him most. His sarcastic laugh, his brutal honesty, his love to irritate me, and when things are quiet, one of my biggest supporters. I no longer feel lost without him, but I do feel like I lost a trusted guide. That hole will never quite close up… and that’s ok… I think that someone whose personality and influence on my life has been so great, it deserves to leave a hole behind.

Most days, I am good. I carry my grief around like a wallet, small and unassuming, and sometimes it is brought out, and reflected on. Today, it is a little harder, and my grief feels like a few bags of groceries. able to carry on, but a constant reminder of what you are carrying. It will pass, and tomorrow, I will be ready and confident.

But for now, I reflect on him, and I reflect on his Husband, and I reminisce about the good times.

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