Not quite there yet

So, on Friday, I talked about going out on Saturday, and it would be the first time I have gone out socializing since the surgery.

It didn’t happen.

A confluence of anxiety, low energy, a not happy stomach, and self-esteem kept me from going. Internally, I am kicking myself in the ass, because this is something I often do. I make a plan, fully intending on going, and though myriads of factors, I find a way out of it at the last moment. It is not that I don’t want to be there, it is just that I am supremely uncomfortable when I go, and the anxious feeling is a bit much.

My weight is not the main reason for my hiding. Self-esteem has always been something I have struggled with, thinner or bigger, and even as someone in my mid 30’s it is something I need to work on somewhat regularly. It just came up again this weekend. And it kinda sucks. Part of the reason for this surgery, for this change in lifestyle was for me to begin to interact with my friends and the world again, and my first opportunity, I pass. Maybe I am just not quite there yet. Maybe a little more time, a little more “revving myself up” and making sure that I am ready on my time. It just sucks I passed on my first opportunity.

Maybe it is weird to talk about your self esteem in your 30’s. This is generally something people talk about in their teens or 20’s about. For me, it has always been a presence, a voice nagging in my head about all things negative. And while I don’t want to dive too deeply into this right now (and holy cow what a post that would be), I will say that for my life now, it is more like a chronic condition: some days I am better at handling it than others. The Surgery has made ability more day to day than in other periods of my life, and it is noticeable. I will follow up in a future post.

Well, in other news, the Plateau seems to be broken. I have dropped another 1.4 kgs over the weekend, so the 4 day stall was only that. Today, I start soft foods, so new foods to add to the list are, Scrambled Eggs, Guacamole, cottage cheese, and heavily cooked veggies (broccoli, your number is up). If you have any ideas of good, soft food items, please let me know. I need some diversity I suspect. Trying to keep it on the fat and Carb free side right now.

And also? Clothes are continuing to fit better, I am just about to phase out of my “fat pants” and complete the trend downwards, that is definitely a good feeling.

 

 

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