A bit demoralised today

Yesterday was my first day on Pureed foods, and I decided to celebrate with having a Banana Smoothie. Now before I jumped in, I looked up what would be a responsible Smoothie. I decided to go with 1 Banana, a Tablespoon of Peanut Butter, 100 Mils of milk, and 6 Ice Cubes.It comes out to about 200 calories.  Using my blender, I got it is a nice pureed state, and I had about 300 mils in total.

So, I proceeded in, about 10 minutes, to drink about 150 mils of it.

It was awesome.

Shortly after though, things started to go haywire. I felt nauseous, but not to the point of throwing up. I felt full, but not bursting, and there was no pain, but I got foggy in the head, and very tired. And I pretty much passed out on the couch for about two hours. During that time, I had weird, upsetting dreams… nothing that I quite remember, but I do remember the emotions and feelings. I woke up, still foggy, my stomach gassy. I went to the bathroom, and decided to lay down after a bout of slight dizziness when I stood up. About a hour later, I was feeling clear in the head again, but the gas continued for the rest of the evening.

I haven’t eaten since (I have no desire to).

I spoke with a friend last night who had the Sleeve surgery (similar but slightly different to mine) and he gave me the bad news: This may be a reaction to something you ate, and maybe you should avoid it. My heart sank. Bananas are one of my favorite foods, and it is often one that I gravitate to when I am told to have fruits. He says that there is a lot of re-learning to my body, but if Bananas of all things make me feel bad, then… this is going to be harder than I thought. I also think that the influx of sugar, after… weeks of not having it, probably did a number on me, so I may need to avoid that for the near term… which again, while good, is kinda devastating. Luckily, I am not diabetic, so I can cross that worry off, but still. Being sugar free is alright (Thanks Sarah Wilson)  but it is nice to have a fucking smoothie.

In reality, I have very few vices. Food honestly was my biggest vice, and (rightly) it is gone. I don’t drink (I have been dry for over a month, and could care less), I don’t smoke cigarettes. I have been sober and not eating much for a better part of a month now, and I am feeling…. tired and grumpy.

Oh god, I am Kate McCartney.

I should likely stick to proteins for the next bit, the pureed foods I ordered last week will help with that, but this portents some huge worry for me. I have 4 weeks until I am on solid foods again, and I desperately hope that when I get there, I can still have a Banana.

I am sure I will come to terms with it, but for right now, I feel like I have been punched in the gut.

News Roundup: February 28

Good Morning, today is Tuesday, February 28, and here are the stories that interest me.

According to Reports, UK Prime Minister Teresa May is posed to cut off automatic EU residency once Article 50 is triggered. In reports, EU Citizens currently residing in the UK will be exempt from the ruling, but EU Citizens arriving in the UK after Article 50 is Triggered will need to apply for a visa once Brexit is finalised. This comes as companies, such as BMW is considering moving plants to the European mainland in response to Britain living the EU single market.

The 51 year old man accused of shooting 2 Indian Engineers and killing one in Kansas is due in court today. The incident has drawn worldwide attention as details of the murder has come to light. The accused, a US Navy Veterans has been quoted as saying “Go back to your country” to the victims shortly before shooting them. A witness did intervene and try to stop the man and was also injured as a result. Indian are becoming more reluctant to travel to the US for study and work with the threat of greater violence due to their ethnicity. Currently, the Trump Administration has not said anything of the incident.

Ten Asian countries, as well as China, India, Japan, South Korea, Australia, and New Zealand are trying to work out a new trade deal in the wake of the TPP collapse. The trade deal, covering half the world’s population and a third of all trade, has accelerated in the wake of the US effectively killing the TPP. Began in 2013 as a response to the TPP, the RCEP is using US protectionism as a fulcrum to seal the deal. Part of the deal also helps build Infrastructure to the region as well as cutting tarrifs. The new deal does not go into environmental concerns, nor does it look at Intellectual property and labor standards.

A huge crater in Siberia has been growing due to melting permafrost. The crater, named the Batagaika crater was created in the 1960’s due to deforestation, is currently 1km wide and 86 meters deep. It offers a rare glimpse into the world’s climate past and is a boon for researchers. However, it does portend some worry from climate scientist as the crater has grown quickly in the last few years with an annual growth of 10-30 meters per year and is continuing to do so. Similar craters have begun to form across Siberia as global temperatures warm, releasing carbon and methane into the atmosphere as a result.

And that is it for today, I hope everyone has a good one.

 

Ex Pat vs. Immigrant, and deciding to change what I call myself.

Americans living abroad tend to call themselves “ExPats” or Ex Patriots, and for a while now, I have been uncomfortable with the term.The term almost exclusively is reserved just for Americans, and further, I only hear white people calling themselves the term.

Right now, “Immigrant” is a dirty word in many places in the world. It has become this all encompassing catch-all for the blame of society, or people who are causing chaos and dissent in the country they live in. To be an immigrant is to be suspect, but I find being an ExPat doesn’t have that reaction.

Of course, this is not a new thing. Immigrants “threatening the fabric of America.” has been around for a long time. The ire against Immigrants has progressed from the Irish and Italians, to the Chinese,  the Japanese, peoples from Eastern Europe, people from Latin America, and India as well. We see anti-immigrant feelings all throughout history, and not just the US. Australia had a “White Australia” policy for a long time and limited immigration from Asian Countries, we are seeing anti-immigration take Europe by storm, and is wrapped up in Refugee movements as well.

But being an “ExPat” is almost like not being an Immigrant. For some reason we have created this word that sidesteps it. It is as though we are only “temporarily there” or we identify as American first, something that we accuse other immigrants of doing themselves. We ignore the rules applied to Immigrants, because of …. why exactly? American Exceptionalism? No one would ever really leave the US? I find the reasons to be quite thin, and not very well thought out.

So it has been sitting with me for a while, and I have decided to stop using the term in every day conversation. Of course, this blog is called “WanderingExPat” which makes this a bit more difficult, but I hope to try and distance myself from the term as much as possible. I am an Immigrant, plain and simple. In arguments, I have called myself an Immigrant before for effect, to throw people off. Because being a White, English-speaking person isn’t “really” considered an Immigrant to most people (which I find rather racist and xenophobic), but I am. I have my American customs that I like to hold on to. There are things that I still cherish about America, but I have left, and I am living in a new country, with a different culture, and different morals and a different perspective.

I am an Immigrant, and in the end, when the conversations of Immigrants come up, you are speaking about those who can blend in pretty well as well as those who stand out. I won’t hide behind ExPat as a way to avoid the conversation.

News Roundup: February 27th

Good Morning, today is Monday, February 27th, and here are the stories that interest me.

Three well known people: French Historian Henry Rousso, Australian Children’s Author Mem Fox, and Muhammad Ali Jr. were all detained and questioned at length by US Border officials over the past few days. Rousso, on travel to Texas A&M, was detained for ten hours and was about to be sent back to France until an immigration lawyer came to his defense. Ms. Fox, 70, was questioned for two hours, which left her in tears, after questions of her visa came into doubt. Mr. Ali Jr. and his mother was questioned over their religion, and their home countries. This points to a worrying trend at the border. In each case, the US Border control cited “Misunderstandings” and “inexperienced staff” as the culprits of these high profile cases, but many are questioning the new direction of the Border enforcement agencies amidst talk of a new Travel Ban coming into effect from the Administration in the near future.

Kim Jong-nam, Half-brother to North Korean ruler Kim Jong-un, was assassinated with the nerve toxin VX says Malaysian Minister. Two weeks ago, two women accosted and smeared Mr. Kim with a jelly claim that they were told to do the action as a TV prank. Several experts believe that the two women smeared initially non-lethal components of VX on him which combined into the dangerous nerve toxin. There is no cure for the VX toxin, which is considered a Biological weapon by the UN.

Slovenia’s legalisation of Same-Sex Marriage went into force this weekend. The country passed a law ten months ago following a referendum rejection the ability for gay couples to adopt. Country activist are still striving for equal rights under the law, but see this as a step in creating a more inclusive society. Slovenia now joins more than 20 countries that permit Marriage Equality.

I hope you have a great day!

The weight journey, walking down Ponsonby

Today, I went for my first walk in a long time. In the past, when I would push to lose weight, I would start with walking. Generally, I would walk for an hour, seeing how far I could get. Now since I would start at heavier weights, I would push myself too much, and conversely, I would get terrible blisters on my feet. Being stubborn, I would continue to walk, only to make it worse. Generally, I would expect 2-3 weeks of blistered feet, covered in bandages and generally being miserable. That, with my extreme dieting, I would start to lose weight, and eventually power through.

With the surgery, my Doctor has advised me to not push myself too much, part of the problem with exercise to lose weight is that is can be counter-productive. You exercise and you get hungrier, and then you eat… and with a surgery that shrinks your stomach by 80%+, that can be an issue. You eat and it stretches out your stomach, defeating the purpose of the whole thing. I can attest to this, because I would exercise and have terrible hunger, unable to abate it and making myself miserable.

Anyhow, I *do* need to exercise, and I know that the weight I am going to lose is not all going to magically go away. So, the doctor told me start off with 40 minutes of walking when I was ready.

Well, today I was ready. I put on my walking clothes: a red shirt that is starting to get baggy on me, and my gym shorts. These shorts were one of the last things I could wear when I was at my heaviest, with a knotted drawstring that started to cut into me. Today, they were quite loose. I will not be able to wear them in public much longer. I put on my shoes, bending over easily to put them on and tie them, another difference from a month ago, and I set off. It was one in the afternoon, and I decided to walk down Ponsonby Road. For those unaware of Auckland, Ponsonby Road is where people gather on the weekends for brunches, lunches, boutique shopping, and some of the more “hipster” places in town. I put on my music, and set my timer for 20 minutes. I began and started walking. People were out, the day was gorgeous, and I fell into my own world. I walked briskly, but not too hard, listening to my music. This is definitely something I wouldn’t do a few weeks ago. Besides the physical, it was more the fact that I felt halfway decent. In 20 minutes, I manage to walk to the end of Ponsonby (2kms), and then walked back. At the end, I was exhausted, mostly due to the fact that I am still not eating a whole lot, and being on a liquid diet does mean you run through your energy quickly.

But I did it. It wasn’t the furthest, or the fastest I have walked, but it was a big step, and doing it during the busiest part of Sunday down the road was pretty good too. I am getting my confidence back… and maybe that will translate to seeing my friends instead of hiding away in my apartment.

While I don’t think I will do this tomorrow, keeping my feet in mind, and noticing how much energy I expended,  I think it will be in my future later this week. Tomorrow, I start on pureed foods, and I may allow myself a banana smoothie (with Peanut butter for the protein) at some point, though I need to make sure not to make it a habit. Though, I will give a review of some pureed food I ordered from The Pure Food Company, so keep an eye out.

And with that, onwards to monday! Seeya tomorrow 🙂

The Food Dream

So, it is Saturday. Bailey woke me up at 5:45 this morning, as is her schedule, and I dutifully got up, fed her, watered her, and took  her out (to the balcony), after which, I dozed briefly, played around with her, and then wrote my politics post.

Afterwards, I played some WoW while playing with Bailey. Now, I am an infrequent player of WoW, and I was playing this morning because I didn’t want to play a game competitively on a Saturday morning. It was nice to play, but not something on my usual rotation. (I think I am waiting for Horizon Dawn Zero)

The husband got up, and around 1pm, I was tired and decided to take a nap.

I dreamed that I we had a new house, by some water, and with that house was a new job for me. I got to the job for my first day, and there were others. Mostly people I didn’t know, and a few people I did know. The day was long and we were rearranged at work (I had a corner cubicle), but as these things do, it went long. There were other things that are a bit hazy, as Dreams often are.  I had stepped away, wishing I could go home, when they offered us dinner.

I got in line, and was last. and finally, I got a paper plate (Actually, two plates, for better structural integrity). I was looking and realised that the food was mostly breakfast food. Soon, I found that I had Grilled Cheese, French Toast, Bacon, Eggs, and then… I saw Biscuits and Gravy, the holy grail of Breakfast food for me, since it is not really a thing here in New Zealand, and it made me really excited. I made space on my plate and slathered the stuff on, and finally, I wanted more bacon, so I filled it up on top.

I went up to the registered (because for some reason I was now buying the food?) and it come up to 25 Dollars, then, a voice (from a college friend no less) goes, “Really WanderingExPat?”

I turned to him and go “Well, I haven’t eaten today, and it is fine.” feeling a bit indignant.  I look at the massive plate of food, Which now also had a second plate half-filled with hashbrowns and other breakfast foods. I said again, “it is fine, I have been really good.”

Then it hit me, I can’t have the food. I have been really good because I can’t eat that amount anymore. A startling sadness hit me realizing that I wasn’t even hungry, I was just grabbing food, and suddenly, I woke up.  My mouth salivating, and tasting disgusting due to ketosis.

I went out of my bedroom and saw my Husband and recounted the dream. It was really, for a lack of words… confronting. He said “in 4 weeks, you will be able to eat those foods again, just less of it.” and he is right, but… what a dream to have. I try my best to not look too much into dreams, but is my sub-conscious way of dealing with this new regime? My downfall has always been portions. Either it is nothing, or too much, and I don’t want to fall back into that cycle. I mean, I woke up and I am not hungry, I don’t think about food nearly as much as I used to, that is eye-opening to think about. But these dreams? I really hope they do not continue, that was not fun.

 

What will become the tipping point?

After a (relatively) quiet week for the Trump Administration, things exploded today, and looks to get worse going into the weekend.

This morning, Mr. Trump went on a Twitter rant on the FBI and the media. The cause was from news reports saying that Chief of Staff Reince Priebus asked the FBI to squash reports on Russian contacts within the Trump Campaign. The FBI declined, which lead to the leaks to the press, and the outing of the conversation. As news came out, there was a lot of blowback on the White House. The last time the White House tried to interfere with the FBI process, it was during the Watergate scandal, and they also refused at that time. The fact that the Trump/Russia connection is still under investigation, it would not be  the best interest of the FBI, or for fair minded justice to say anything until they have concrete information one way or the other.

Insiders say that the FBI currently believes that the Times Article on the Trump/Russian connections are “overblown” but could not confirm whether the campaign spoke with “Russians” or “Russian agents.” This is the big point here. While the FBI is still investigating, the White House wants them to squash the media’s discussion of it. That is not the FBI’s job, and Priebus has crossed several lines in speaking with t he FBI in this way.

So, while that is happening, and the White House is in damage control, Trump goes to Twitter, lighting gasoline on the situation.

Then CPAC, the Conservative convention that is running this weekend. Yesterday, Chief Strategist Steve Bannon said that the Administration is in a constant battle to “deconstruct the Administrative state” wanting to undo the system of taxes, regulations,and trade agreements in order to…. do what? I am not sure. It reeks of isolationism and authoritarianism. Then Today, Trump calling the Media “Enemy of the People” and declaring a war on the media.

Then, a few hours later, the White House changed it Press Conference into a “gaggle” and proceeded to exclude CNN, NYT, Politico, The Hill, BBC and others from the get together. The White House Correspondence Association and numerous media outlets have condemned the move, but this is just the beginning.

I feel like the latest news stories have hit a nerve with the Administration and those who are in control are trying to shut out dissent and pushback as much as possible. Note that the so-called “Adults” in the Administration: Tillerson, Mattis are silent right now and whatever influence people thought they would have is pretty much non-existent. The “Wear” is real here and if they are freezing out their biggest critics, and allowing such news agencies as Brietbart and One America News to have full access, it screams “government media” and instituting a propaganda wing to the White House.

And let’s nip this in the bud. This has never happened. Even during the Obama Administration and Fox News, nothing of this level has happened, and conflating an event in 2009 to the wholesale exclusion of major media outlets because of their critical coverage (and questions) is damaging to our democracy.

The Deconstruction that Mr. Bannon is touting is Deconstruction of the barriers that allow companies and government to exploit the people, exploit the environment, and make us less safe. From allowing environmental regulations be chopped so that companies do not need to report what they are dumping, or putting into the air. They also are now allowing Telecoms to not have to report on internet speeds and service for companies who have customer bases under 250,000. This means that companies can throttle your service and never have to report it, giving people less protection, and chips away at net neutrality. It was also announced just a couple of hours ago that Privacy rules implemented for ISPs under the Obama Administration not go into effect making people data less private. The argument was that they go further than the FTC regulations on websites… but hey, those are likely going to go anyhow (remember, Mr. Trump has said 75% or more of the Regulations have to go.)

Deconstructing the safeguards of our country have truly landed us in the Gilded Age 2.0, where the Corporation can exploit its workers, treat workers terribly, profits outweigh compassion, that if you are not rich, you are inconsequential. There are a reason we have regulations, and while yes, it is always good to review and streamline, that is not what the Trump Administration is doing. Deconstruction is not what we need. In a time when we need to make sure that as a species we don’t destroy our own habitat, having someone who has no care for the next 20 years only looking at his and his friends bottom line is intolerable.

So when will the tipping point be? Things are escalating, and it is only a matter of time before something breaks. Congressmen and women are facing fiercer and fiercer reactions at Town Halls, calls for investigations, Mr. Trump’s Taxes, and ever more scruitiny into Trumps administration means that Mr. Trump will eventually step over a hard red line that will cause people to desert him, I just don’t know when that will be, and if the Right accept his “war on the media,” then things are going to get much worse before they get better.

The Nintendo Switch, and the reality of growing up

Today, I made the decision to not get the Nintendo Switch at launch.

It was not as hard of a decision as I thought it would be. I looked at my budget and due to the decreased amount of food I am eating, I have plenty to afford. However, in looking at the released games coming out, there is only one I am really wanting (Zelda) and I think I can hold off on that for a while.

Also, I want to make sure it is a decent console overall. Of course Nintendo hits much of my nostalgia, being a older gamer, I remember very well the origins of Mario, the beginning of Zelda, and the joy of playing Mario Cart on the SNES. But in looking at the launch games, there is precious little I am interested in. Of course things pick up in the second half of the year, but I am starting to get to the age where I am more “wait and see” than I am “I have to get this right now!” I mean, in looking at the announced games, I am only interested in 4 of them.

  • Legend of Zelda, Breath of the Wild
  • Mario Cart 8 Deluxe (it better be more than just a reskin though)
  • Splatoon 2
  • Super Mario Odyssey

This makes me hesitant in investing in a new console. If I am finding that Nintendo is not giving me the games I am interested, whether that means my tastes have matured, or I am not Nintendo’s main demographic… which I suspect may be the case. And while the Switch is now getting Skyrim, it is frankly 5 years too late to hook me in with that. (Having how many Versions on my computer?)  Does this mean I am growing up? Are my fanboy days of Nintendo over? Have I been lost to the PC master race? Not exactly, but I will admit that waiting a few weeks (or months) for the console is a weird feeling for me.

Meanwhile, I have decided to go ahead and get Horizon Zero Dawn. The game looks gorgeous and the pre-release reviews look amazing. I am generally hesitant of the pre-release reviews now days due to the pay to play aspect to Gaming Journalism, I am looking forward to this game. This and Mass Effect: Andromeda coming out three weeks later will keep me busy until the Switch releases games that I want, or when I get bored of my stable of Blizzard Games (Heroes of the Storm, Overwatch, and occasionally WoW)

News Roundup: February 24

Good Morning, it is Friday, February 24th, and here are the stories that interest me.

Germany has posted a governmental surplus for the third year in a row. The National Statistics Office has posted a 22.7 Billion Euro surplus from both the Federal and state governments, largely on the back of a robust labor force. Also relevant is the low employment rate pumping up the tax income of the country. This bodes well for Candidate Martin Schultz as he is running on infrastructure improvements int he country.

A Current HIV Vaccine Trial has left 5 HIV-Positive Patients “Virus Free” with no need of daily drugs. The trial, combining two potential HIV Vaccines as well as a traditional cancer treatment has given some limited results, with one patient not needing to take daily medication for up to seven months. While the study is small, it is showing overall effectiveness in in the medications and could greatly slow the spread of the disease. A Breakthrough is coming, and it looks like the vaccines and the treatments are starting to add up.

Ireland has followed Canada, Sweden, Norway, Iceland and Northern Ireland in criminalising paying for sex. The move is geared towards tackling sex trafficking and protecting hundreds of vulnerable women in prostitution. There is worry that the bill will force more prostitution underground and will lead to a rise in attacks.

Azerbaijan’s President Ilham Aliyev has appointed his wife, Mehriban Aliyeva, to the office of the Vice Presidency, which was created last year in a Referendum vote. The Changes to the Constitution last year also lengthened the term of the President by 2 years, as well as removing the age limit to run for President, leaving Aliyey’s son to run when he retires. With no term limits on the Presidency, this is seen as a move to continue Dynastic rule within the country. The country has been sliding into a more authoritarian stance with the arrests of several political activist and journalist leading up to the announcement.

And with that, have a great day!

Milo the Token, Milo the Broken

So much ink and bits have been spilled on Milo Yiannopoulos. Hoisted on his own Petard, I find it interesting that the Right’s Token Gay and go to Prop has found that his masters hate him as much as the Left.

For what it is worth, I find Milo to be the next in the evolution of Right-Wing blowhards who use outrage in order to gain attention and money. From Rush Limbaugh to Ann Coulter to Michelle Malkin and Katie Hopkins, Milo Yiannopoulos peddles in rightwing outrage as a commodity, and making lots of money in the process. His angle of course is manyfold, a British tech guy, who is Gay and *gasp* thinks that homosexuality is abhorrent, and we should go back into the closet! (Warning: Brietbart link). In many was, he is the Conservative court jester, allowed to say these things because he can play the Gay card (which he does with wild abandon). Conservatives love it, as they have loved other perpetually outraged political entertainers. He is no different than Ann Coulter saying something provocative ahead of her next book release, or Rush Limbaugh braying in the radio for 45 minutes in order to get more listeners. He is a pedlar of outrage.

What is interesting is that Milo is being taken down for something he felt was positive. In an interesting opinion piece by Nathan Robinson he talks about Conservatives moving against Milo *now.* He has said controversial things before, but why this? Why now? Robinson hits it pretty well with this quote:

Yiannopoulos has quickly found out which ideas will actually get you booted from the public square, and they’re left-wing ones rather than right-wing ones. It turned out the real people you can’t offend are the conservatives whose latent homophobia make them instantly pounce on a gay man as a defender of pedophilia when he tries to explain his world to them. How fitting that Yiannopoulos should end up subjected to the very kind of vicious misrepresentation of LGBT people that he has spent his time encouraging.

– Nathan Robinson

While everyone has roundly condemned him, the Left for a long while now, it only stuck because the Conservatives are now uncomfortable with with their token.

As a Gay Man, I have seen the behavior (and the defence) that Milo has spoken about. In my 20’s, I met a man whose first relationship was at 13 with a 40 year old man. He staunchly defended the relationship, called it consensual, and told everyone he was happy in that relationship for several years, having his parents blessing and even living with the man at age 15.

Honestly, it was creepy as fuck.

Having been a victim of sexual abuse as a child myself, and coming of age in the truly wild west days of the internet, I remember how desperate I was to find people like me, but also finding men who were definitely not there for my “development, security, and safety.” Even in the 90’s I knew that those overtures were a danger, not a comfort.

And it sucked. I wish I had platonic adult gay role models I could gravitate to, to understand. I was discovering myself before Will and Grace, when the only Gay people you saw had AIDS. My straight friends has celebrities, friends, and family they could envisage themselves being. We had closeted men yearning for companionship in a world that bred paranoia and distrust. With Milo being only 4 years younger than me, it is obvious he grew up during those times, and shaped his warped perception of what growing up Gay should be. The Man I met in my 20’s thought he was wise and knowledgable of the gay world, but he wasn’t. He was at times self-hating, he was uncaring to others, and as I reflect on it, he reminds me a lot of Milo, and I suspect there is a reason for that. Just because someone is sexually mature doesn’t means that they have the emotional and developmental facilities to deal with an older person who will take advantage of their inexperience and underdevelopment in crucial areas.  That is what Milo doesn’t understand, he was broken, and his behavior points to him being a broken token that has been prodded by the Far Right to validate their own hate and outrage.

This is why we as a community pushed so for for coming out, for being apart of society instead of being shunned, to break that grooming and destructive behavior and showing gay youth of a healthy, appropriate role models in the gay world. Having more out gay youth mean that the LGBTQI community learns the trials and tribulations of dating, love, and security from their own age group, just like everyone else. They do not have to seek older people in order to validate their emotional or physical feelings, and they learn what is right and wrong in an environment similar to that of their straight counterparts.  Maybe that is why Milo is so insistent that we go back into the closet, so that the youth will become easy prey to those predators and continue the cycle of abuse that he feels is ok. Of course there are dangers, of course there are those who will seek the newly sexually mature for own ends, that is no different than the straight world, but we need to be aware, and call it out for what it is.

In the end, Milo’s first run of mainstream celebrity has come to an end. I will not count him out for the future. I find that cockroaches such as him will find a way to bounce back, maybe with a tell all book about this experience, maybe through a re-invention. But for now, he is done. He is no longer the Token jester allowed to prance and spew the rhetoric of the Far Right world, saying terrible things for a chance at gaining attention he so desperately craves.